Here's To You, Mr. H

I have never really understood the line between laughing and crying. You know, those little moments when your body can't figure out whether to laugh or cry. I don't like to cry, and although I can't imagine many people really love it, I avoid crying like the plague. I walk away from people crying, or I avoiding looking at them at all. If I even feel a tear forming, I bite the inside of my cheek and force myself to stop. Most of the time I find myself laughing in the middle of the most inappropriate situations because it is the only acceptable way for me to cope. I know by now you are psychoanalyzing me, truthfully though, I just don't like showing emotion. But, as I have found out many times before this, everyone has a breaking point. Even those few people you just knew your whole life were as tough as nails.

It's not fun losing a friend. Quite frankly, it sucks. As I reflect on my visit to see my friends family, I realize that while I am sad he is gone, I am even more heartbroken about everything that he won't get to see his children do with their lives. But as I and many I know believe, there are reasons for everything and we can't control how long we stay here. We continue to have everlasting faith that there is a plan for all of us, and that we must do everything in our power to live the lives we were given to their fullest potential.

This doesn't mean we can't be sad.

I know my friend because of his mother. I worked for her for over four years, and while many people have mixed opinions of her, I love her like the grandmother I never had. I have always thought that she, quite literally, could move a mountain if she wanted to. In all the years that I have known her, I have never once seen her broken. But as I said before, we all fall once in a while. We were sitting at the kitchen table with her grandchildren. I was surprised at how well they all were despite the circumstances. We were laughing, telling stories from when the girls were little. But before I knew it, and I can't even tell you what she said because the only thing I could comprehend was this woman - who for so long was a rock in the face of anything - was crying.

We have perceptions of people that can last the better part of our lives, but in one instant, that can all change. I saw this woman, my friend, broken. For a moment, I didn't know what to do. But when the tears clouded my vision, I knew that was all I could do. No words can make it better, and no actions will ever fill that void. It was then that I realized how real life is. It was then that I realized how emotion can govern the way you control your life. Grief cuts you apart, and you have to choose whether or not to put the pieces back together.

They say that time heals all wounds. I'm not sure if this is entirely true or not. I like to think that time really has nothing to do with it. Maybe it is that each day, you wake up and you make the conscious decision to live your life the best that you can. You will never be the same, there really is no way that you can be. But I like to think that when you've hit rock bottom, there is still some semblance of a human being inside of you, willing you to claw your way back up to the top. You may never truly reach the top again, but with each inch comes more light, and it is that light that truly saves us in the end.

We were all still sitting at the kitchen table. One of the girls was squirming around in the chair with me, and we were absentmindedly eating potatoes out of a dish. I looked up in time to hear my friend say something about a silly habit her son had as a kid. I glanced around just as the table took a collective breath. The thin line had returned.

And we laughed.

Magic Never Dies

I have thought about this post for a while now. I knew I would write about it eventually, but really, after spending nearly half of your life devoted to something, what can you really do to give the "goodbye" justice? Well, what I did first was dress up in a homemade robe and wait in a theatre for 4 hours with 100 of my closest friends.

I adore Harry Potter.

This could be the understatement of the century, but it is a good place to start nonetheless. I have spent countless hours reading the Harry Potter books and watching the movies throughout the years. I can remember pre-ordering the books and running down to the post office the moment mail was posted to pick it up. I have watched each movie at least 4 times in the theatre, and have rushed to the store at midnight the day the DVD came out. In short, I have had a love affair with this book series. Because of this, I lay blame on two people of this world: my parents.

First, and perhaps more importantly, I blame my Mother. She bought the first book for my brother and I, jump starting a 13 year addiction. I also blame my Father for buying each and every Harry Potter book I have because in his words, "You don't pay for books." I have always appreciated my parents encouragement and support when it comes to not only Harry Potter, but reading in general. To this day, I still receive books from my Mom, and Dad never fails to give me a gift card every Christmas to a bookstore. They have, in their own little way, given me something they never probably intended to give. They gave me the love of reading, and I can only hope to pass that love on someday.

To me, the end of Harry Potter means the end of my childhood. Sure, I'm 23 and have not been considered a child for a very long time, but with the Potter series, I got to hold on to that feeling for a bit longer than most. I'm not the only person who feels this way, just ask one of the millions of Harry Potter fans around the world, they will tell you the same thing. Harry Potter is arguably the greatest book series ever written (you can protest, but this is my blog, so I win). I even say this as I continue to work on my book series. I know that nothing will ever take the place of Harry Potter, and I will never try to do so. But it is my hope that someday, when it is all said and done, people will come to love reading my books just as I have loved reading Harry Potter.

This is my goodbye to a wonderful 13 years spent loving a world brought to life by an amazing author who inspires me with her story of perseverance and humility throughout her experiences. But, as most Harry Potter fans know, it's not really goodbye. Because even though we have hung up our house robes, stood up from our seats, and watched the credits roll on the big screen for the last time, we know one thing to be true...

The magic never dies.

New Things

I have started a new project. I am still working on The Forgotten Series, but I also have something else up my sleeve. Something that, until Tuesday, I didn't think I would ever seriously commit to. What some people don't know about me is that I love Kansas more than any other place in the world. Sure, I am a little bias, but it's not like I've never been anywhere else in the world, because I have. I have been across the country and across the big pond, but nothing has swayed my love for my home state. I don't think anything ever really will. What does this have to do with my newest project, you may ask? Well, it has everything to do with my newest project.

I'm writing a book about Kansas. I guess that isn't exactly what I'm doing. I'm putting together a book about people of Kansas. The stories are their own, I am just merely writing it down. I want people to see that Kansas just isn't a bunch of flat land and farmers. But most of all, I want to know why people chose Kansas. Out of all 50 states in America, why did they come here, or more importantly, why did they stay? I will travel across the state, trying to find people living here that can answer my questions. At this point, all I have is an idea in my head, but my first interviewee is on Sunday.

His name is Larry Hatteberg. If you don't know who this is, well then, you obviously aren't from Southwest Kansas. Larry Hatteberg is an anchor for KAKE News based in Wichita, KS. I took a risk and asked him to be in the book, and he agreed. I am so excited for this opportunity (not to mention incredibly nervous). I will be traveling with my friend who has agreed to help me with the photography part of my book. We are going to meet Mr. Hatteberg at the KAKE station to conduct the interview. My only hope is that I don't fall down or break something expensive. This should be a valuable and educating experience for me. Mr. Hatteberg has first hand experience with the people of Kansas, and I know he will provide great insight for me.

As I said before, I'm not giving up on my first project. But, as my friend told me, "You have a new baby now." Well, I'll take this baby over a real baby any day. Ha! In all honesty though, I love The Forgotten Project, and I can't give up on that...my brain would explode from all the unwritten information. I just really want to do this Kansas thing. I don't expect to gain riches and fame from this, and if it only lands on my parents kitchen table in the end, that would be okay. This is a big adventure for me. I'm excited to see parts of Kansas that I've never been too, and I'm determined to capture the beauty that I've seen my entire life, and continue to see every day.

Who knows, maybe I'll actually get to see this illusive antelope our state song is always talking about...