Remember

There are 365 days in a year. We all know this. That means that for 365 days, we have a chance to learn and change our lives, or the lives of those around us. Now, I'm not sure if I did anything this year to change anyone's life, but I do know that as 2011 winds down, there are things that I've done and experienced that have changed my life and the lives of people around me.

Sometimes you have to know when to say, "Life really sucks right now."

Living in a small community has been one of the greatest blessings and worst curses I've had in my life. Knowing everyone within a 30 miles radius is great, until you start losing them. I think I have cried more in the last year than my entire 23 years on this Earth. Losing someone is never easy, but when that person is taken long before their time, you can't help but curse the world for being so cruel. I found myself wondering 'why?' several times this year, but eventually, I realized that I would never get an answer. People are taken from us out of the blue; others lose a battle that no amount of men could help win. All we can do is stay here and pick up the pieces of our broken hearts.

Sometimes you have to know when to say, "Wow. Is this really happening?"

I have been blessed with an enormous amount of opportunity. In a few short months, I will be able to tell people that I am a teacher. I will also hopefully be able to tell them that I am a writer. This year has been such a whirlwind for me. I've been so busy student teaching, and there have been times when I just wanted to quit because the pressure was too high. But then I stop for a moment and think, "Would you really want it any other way?" No, I don't think I would. My life has been on a constant do this, now do this track, that I really don't think I could survive any other way. During this year, I sent my first manuscript to a publisher, and I was REJECTED!! Yeah, yeah, most people probably think I should be sad. But what people don't realize is that authors are rejected time and time again before anyone even looks at a piece of their writing. This moment was important to me because although I was rejected, I tried. I never thought I would even do that. For me, it really was and is happening.

Sometimes you have to know when....to laugh until your sides hurt.

I have cried and been overwhelmed more times this year than I can count. But, the only thing that surpasses those numbers are the number of times that I have laughed this year. I'm not a outwardly religious person. I don't believe in throwing my beliefs in someone's face, and I won't do it if I can avoid it. But just this once, I'll make an exception. I like to think that God gave us laughter not just to dry our tears or curb our suffering. I like to think that God gave us laughter because it represents the hope that we all need in our lives. Laughter represents that little ray of light we all need to know that things will get better. Because it will get better, it will. As long as we have sorrow, worry, and fear, I hope we never lose laughter and joy. This years winds down, and another year full of heartache, love, and laughter will follow it as it always has. But as I look to the new year, I have one final thing to remember.

Sometimes you have to know when...to let go and live.

If My Life Were A Christmas Movie/Musical

A little known fact about me: I'm a sucker for terrible movies...and terrible television. I'm not really sure why, but I am sucked in by the worst kinds of shows and movies. No, I do not mean reality TV, that is just stupid. I mean those movies they play on the weekends just to fill time, and the television shows that you secretly watch but never want to tell anyone about. (Even though I do). As I contemplated what I was going to talk about for Christmas, I decided that I would just talk about my favorite thing to do during the holiday...and that is watch horrible movies. But, I'm going one step further. Since I am technically a writer, I guess I'll just create a little Christmas magic for you. Enjoy. If my life were a Christmas movie/musical.....

1) Everyone would love Christmas...except an old man...or a woman with some secret reason for hating the holiday.

This is a beautiful thing about Christmas movies. Everyone loves the holiday, save for a couple of people. If my life were a Christmas movie, I would spend all day listening to carols and drinking hot cocoa. By the fire, of course. I love Christmas, and one of my favorite things about the holiday is the music. I would probably listen to it all year if it was socially acceptable. I know quite a few people (insert old man and woman) that loath Christmas music, but I've just decided that they are sad, sad individuals. Usually, they are just lonely, and if my life were a movie, I would spend the entire two hour spot trying to spread the Christmas cheer, only to discover that they just want to be invited for Christmas supper. What an easy fix!

2) I would fall in love in 5-10 minutes.

It's true, I would. If I were in a movie, I would be ice skating (on a perfect rink, mind you) or grocery shopping. Somehow, even though I am a skilled ice skater and/or grocery cart driver, I would run into some random guy. When we finally righted ourselves, we would gaze into each others eyes and BAM! Love. Right there. In the middle of the taco shell aisle. (Or ice rink as the Zamboni drives by). If my life were a Christmas musical, we would spend the next 5 minutes singing a duet called, "I never thought I'd find love at a super market (or ice skating rink)." It would be an instant hit, and we would make millions on the download profits. IF ONLY. But, sadly, dream man and I would break up 30 minutes later because a former boyfriend of mine decides to profess his love or I find out he has a kid (that isn't his, but I assume and you know what that does...). Oh, the horror!

3) My family would be crazy.

Wait...didn't I say this was fictional? But really, I would have a completely neurotic family that controlled my life, and I would spend the entire movie (up until the last 10 minutes) wishing that I could somehow escape them. I would sing a power ballad, and the camera would fade away from me sitting on my daybed holding a stuffed unicorn. Eventually, I would realize that my family is what I need and they really aren't as bad as I thought they were. Which leads me to the climax of the movie...

4) I realize that the true meaning of Christmas is love.

Yes, love. Love for your family. Love for Christmas. Love for that random guy you met in the supermarket (or ice skating). I would realize that my family loves me, random guy and I would fix our problems, and he would have Christmas dinner with my family. (Because his is conveniently absent, of course). If my life were a Christmas movie, all of these things would come to me in the final minutes of the movie, and we would all live happily ever after.

Sadly, my life is not a Christmas movie.

But, that doesn't mean some of the aspects of my Christmas movie are not true. I mean, my family is crazy. I do love them, though. Dearly. I don't try to convert people into loving Christmas, but I don't stop listening to Christmas music if they happen to be in my house or car. Hello! It only happens once a year! I never really understood why Christmas movies (or any movie) needed to have people fall in love in the most random of ways. Do I automatically fall in love after tackling a guy? The answer is no. I do not.

We celebrate the holiday for many reasons, and one of my favorite reasons is because of love. Cheesy, I know.Christmas always has a way of bringing out the best and worst in all of us, but I always remember the best. Eating too much food with my brother, playing cards with my extended family, and yes, we really do sit by a fire. I really wouldn't have it any other way. So maybe my life isn't and won't be a movie/musical, but honestly, who could deal with all that singing anyway? It's exhausting. I'll keep my semi-exciting life and my crazy family. And you, my friends....

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

Chitty Chitty Uncle Buck

The flower girl walked slowly in front of us, haphazardly dropping blossoms from a catalpa tree on an aisle littered with sticks and old leaves. I wore capris, and he, denim jean shorts. My hair adorned with flowers, my arm firmly looped in his, our party made its way across the yard to the makeshift alter between two trees. Suddenly, the flower girl turned into a preacher, and the ceremony began. After a hasty vow exchange and a couple, "sure why nots?", we were pronounced man and wife.

I had just married Kelsey Thompson.

Now, now, before you get yourself all worked up, you should know this really didn't happen. Wait, yes it did. But, last time I checked, a 5 year old little sister did not count as a preacher, AND, I did not kiss him. So, I guess I should retract my statement and say that I almost married Kelsey. But then, I almost married a lot of people. (Different story)

I have been blessed with a wonderful set of friends throughout my life. Some have been around for a short time, others have stayed only a small piece of my life, and then, I have the life-timers. The final set are the ones that you can't even remember meeting because you've known each other so long it is just easier to say, "I've known them my whole life."I think that it is rare to find friends like Kelsey and Carmen Thompson, and my brother Colten and I are very lucky to have them in our lives.

Okay, so I'm lucky....who cares?

I only recently remembered my "wedding" after a look out my window over Thanksgiving break. I have done many weird things in my life, but when it came to my experiences with the Thompson kids, there really wasn't a better definition of weird. (Not to mention awkward). Those two, in their own way, helped to shape who I am today. They showed me what true friendship was at a very young age, and they never asked for anything in return. We embraced the weird in each other, and I think that it is important for people to have friends that bring that out in you.

As I've grown into an adult, I have begun to realize how much I truly loved my childhood. I loved that I had wonderful parents that encouraged me to try new things all the time and to never let go of what I loved to do. I loved that I had an extended family that never forgot that it was the relationships that were important...and that pinatas were not our friends. I loved that I made two of my best friends at such a young age, and to this day, we can recite lines from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Uncle Buck because we've seen it so many times.

Ultimately, it is the little things.

Today, my relationship with Kelsey and Carmen is not the same as it once was. As we have grown older, we have learned to adjust to the change. The truly lucky piece is that we haven't lost the friendship we established those years ago. If anything, our friendship is stronger in some aspects. I mean, Carmen has gotten so much better at marrying us in my parents' backyard; she doesn't forget words or anything. But really, I am so blessed to have these two in my life, and I write this because it is important to remember where you came from before you step out into the world to find a different piece of yourself.

And the part where if you don't remember, they will "remind" you someday with horrible pictures and stories.

Awkward

I always tell people that I've been going through an awkward stage...since about the first grade. I don't really know how it happened; one minute I was the cute little girl with the curly blond hair, the next, I was bumbling through this world with a flannel shirt and chunky sandals. For all you naysayers out there, I am NOT exaggerating. I was awkward, I am awkward, and I will probably be awkward for a while.

I've learned to embrace it.

It's hard for some people to imagine me as an awkward child. I hide it well, if I do say so myself. I didn't have many friends growing up. Okay, so that is an understatement. I could probably count on one hand the friends that I had, and the few that I did have would probably agree with me that we weren't the, "cream of the crop." (I say this with love). You could say that I never stood out, and I learned to deal with that in the standard way: I stayed at home and read books.

I learned at a very young age that being alone wasn't a bad thing.

This is starting to sound like a pity party, but I don't want pity. So I was an outcast? So I didn't have any friends? So my parents told (and tell) me on a regular basis that I was really weird and they wondered where I came from? I got over it. I actually find humor in the whole experience. I laugh because my life is so very different then what it used to be. Sure, I am still awkward. But, I find it interesting that when you grow up, "awkward" becomes, "you'realittleweirdbutIlikeit." Yeah, yeah, I'm the weird girl that stands off to the side of a crowd because I don't like meeting new people...but I blame that on my lack of social skills. (From all the book reading alone...you can't make friends with imaginary people, Chesney)

It is interesting, then, that I chose to become a teacher.

I don't know why I made the decision. I guess you could say it is because I love English, but we all know I could've (and am) doing a number of different things with that field. I think part of me did it because there is a little piece of that awkward girl stuck deep inside me, and I can't quite let her go. Being awkward was and is a huge part of my life, and it has defined who I am as a person.

It has defined who I am as a teacher. People become teachers because they believe in the power of education. They believe that each child goes through different experiences in their lives and it is through different people that they find guidance. Teachers are given an enormous responsibility to prepare the children of our world for what it will be like when they are no longer around to tell them what to do. Essentially, they are teaching children how to function on their own.

Well, well, well. It's a good thing I already learned how to do that.

I stress a lot of my writing on choices. I am a firm believer in the idea that we all make choices, good and bad, that govern our lives. Sometimes I wonder if I made the choice to become a teacher because I wanted to prove something to myself, that I was going to somehow show myself that I was better than I used to be. That maybe I wanted to snuff out the piece that defined me for so long by returning to the place that tortured me so much. But enough melodramatics. That isn't true. I can't change who I was, and I would never want to. Except for the flannel. I would take that back in a heartbeat.

I don't really know why I became a teacher. In a different world, I would be off in some room, writing the thoughts in my head until the end of time. Free from social stigmas. Free from the sometimes crippling feeling that no one will ever understand why I do the things I do. But, as we know, we aren't in a different world. We are in this world, and in this world, I love teaching. I have faith in education, even if I don't really know why. I guess that truly is the beauty of love, faith, and awkwardness.

They never go away.