Awkward

I always tell people that I've been going through an awkward stage...since about the first grade. I don't really know how it happened; one minute I was the cute little girl with the curly blond hair, the next, I was bumbling through this world with a flannel shirt and chunky sandals. For all you naysayers out there, I am NOT exaggerating. I was awkward, I am awkward, and I will probably be awkward for a while.

I've learned to embrace it.

It's hard for some people to imagine me as an awkward child. I hide it well, if I do say so myself. I didn't have many friends growing up. Okay, so that is an understatement. I could probably count on one hand the friends that I had, and the few that I did have would probably agree with me that we weren't the, "cream of the crop." (I say this with love). You could say that I never stood out, and I learned to deal with that in the standard way: I stayed at home and read books.

I learned at a very young age that being alone wasn't a bad thing.

This is starting to sound like a pity party, but I don't want pity. So I was an outcast? So I didn't have any friends? So my parents told (and tell) me on a regular basis that I was really weird and they wondered where I came from? I got over it. I actually find humor in the whole experience. I laugh because my life is so very different then what it used to be. Sure, I am still awkward. But, I find it interesting that when you grow up, "awkward" becomes, "you'realittleweirdbutIlikeit." Yeah, yeah, I'm the weird girl that stands off to the side of a crowd because I don't like meeting new people...but I blame that on my lack of social skills. (From all the book reading alone...you can't make friends with imaginary people, Chesney)

It is interesting, then, that I chose to become a teacher.

I don't know why I made the decision. I guess you could say it is because I love English, but we all know I could've (and am) doing a number of different things with that field. I think part of me did it because there is a little piece of that awkward girl stuck deep inside me, and I can't quite let her go. Being awkward was and is a huge part of my life, and it has defined who I am as a person.

It has defined who I am as a teacher. People become teachers because they believe in the power of education. They believe that each child goes through different experiences in their lives and it is through different people that they find guidance. Teachers are given an enormous responsibility to prepare the children of our world for what it will be like when they are no longer around to tell them what to do. Essentially, they are teaching children how to function on their own.

Well, well, well. It's a good thing I already learned how to do that.

I stress a lot of my writing on choices. I am a firm believer in the idea that we all make choices, good and bad, that govern our lives. Sometimes I wonder if I made the choice to become a teacher because I wanted to prove something to myself, that I was going to somehow show myself that I was better than I used to be. That maybe I wanted to snuff out the piece that defined me for so long by returning to the place that tortured me so much. But enough melodramatics. That isn't true. I can't change who I was, and I would never want to. Except for the flannel. I would take that back in a heartbeat.

I don't really know why I became a teacher. In a different world, I would be off in some room, writing the thoughts in my head until the end of time. Free from social stigmas. Free from the sometimes crippling feeling that no one will ever understand why I do the things I do. But, as we know, we aren't in a different world. We are in this world, and in this world, I love teaching. I have faith in education, even if I don't really know why. I guess that truly is the beauty of love, faith, and awkwardness.

They never go away.